While watching a marriage series recently, I discovered something about myself that I hadn't known before. I have a perfect personality.
No, I do not mean that I think I am perfect. What I mean by that is I expect perfection. I over-analyze absolutely everything I do, say and don't do. I go back and forth wondering "Should I have done it that way or at all? What if I'm wrong?". I compare myself, my life and my marriage to other people. I am so consumed by perfection and getting things right the first time that it often paralyzes me with fear. I am literally to the point that I don't even try a lot of the time. I am easily discouraged when I get something wrong and even when I do something right or things seem to be getting better, I find a way to pick apart the good and turn it into bad. I want to attain perfection in all areas of my life and since perfection is unattainable through anything or anyone, but Jesus Christ, I wind up being a disfunctional, puddle of tears a lot of the time. What's funny is I am a very optimistic, uplifting and encouraging person with most everything and everyone - apart from myself.
Over the years I've realized a few things about myself that I believe are both just my personality and a result of the things that have happened in my life. When a confident person makes a decision that happens to be the wrong one, they get over it quickly and try again. Sure, it might sting or hurt their pride at first, but such is life. No one is right 100% of the time and that is okay. For "perfect" people like myself, a poor decision is a confirmation that yet again, we didn't quite hit the mark and we're just shy of enough. It's confirmation that how we feel about ourselves on the inside is in fact the way everyone else sees us too. I often think to myself "Why bother trying?". When I got married June of this year I knew it was going to be hard. Based on our relationship alone and all that we'd gone through over the past 2 years, I was not naive when I got married. I knew without a doubt that it would be no fairy tale. However, despite that knowledge I expected things to go a certain way. I expected that we'd get our acts together real fast if this marriage thing was going to work. I was quick to turn a blind eye to all the mistakes I was making because I already thought about my failures too much; now I could focus on his.
Yikes. It has not been easy trying to come to terms with that. God has really been convicting me about it! Not just in my marriage, but in all areas of my life. I got to thinking, how can I overcome this? How can I do better? Is there hope for the "perfect" ideal that consumes me?
The answer is YES.
There absolutely is hope, but it will take hard work. I am just starting out so I am no expert in this department whatsoever. With that said, I truly believe the Lord wants to use us exactly as we are and grow us, change us, stretch us and use the positive aspects of our personality for His glory and to encourage others.
One of the first steps I have taken is to write down what my talents are- what I excel in.
Sure, my immediate response to that even as I type this is "Please, there are thousands of people who are far better at these things than you are. Do you honestly think you excel at any of them?"
SHUT DOWN THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT. Of course there are tons of people out there who are more experienced and talented at the same things you enjoy doing. We live in a world of 7 billion people. That is a given. However, everyone has something they enjoy and excel in. Everyone has talents they possess that should be sewn into and invested in. It helped me to see those things written down. Lately I've been so focused on being a Mom that I had forgotten about the activities and hobbies I used to love. Once you write down your talents you can start to pray over them and make a point to invest some of your heart and time back into those things for fun! Take the pressure off. Sing in the shower because you love it. Go for a run because it frees you from the stress of life. Don't allow the enemy to tell you that because you might not be known for these things (yet) that the Lord won't use those talents to bring glory and magnify His kingdom.
The fact of the matter is, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. God took the time to breathe the breath of life into you, to carefully create you with a purpose. We can overcome this idea of perfection and do great things! Something I'm looking forward to as a personal victory is the day I will try something, fail and not be broken over it for months. I know that might sound completely ridiculous to a lot of people, but that failure will bring forth a great success for me.
I'd like to finish off with a prayer that I hope will encourage you as you say it (or come up with your own as it applies to you):
Lord, thank you for your mercy and unending love. Thank you that you know all things and that you make no mistakes. You've counted each hair on my head and you have created me with a great purpose. I ask that each day you will help me invest in my talents for your glory above all and that you will help motivate me to take risks. I pray that you will calm my perfectionist spirit and help me use it positively as I move forward on my walk with you. I know that without you, I can do nothing; but with you as my strength I can do anything. Forgive me for the times that I have failed you and help me to recognize my failures will lead to success if I keep my eye on You. In Jesus' name, Amen.
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